My Newly Established 'Have You Mugged A Vegan Today' Movement

I've decided to start a 'Have You Mugged A Vegan Today' Movement.  Although I'm not entirely sure it's not schizophrenia, like waking up and seeing giant spiders climbing the curtains, or believing you're Superman, only you're still wearing last night's kinky outfit you fell asleep in afterwards; I feel that I'm being pursued by angry Vegans.  Heavens, there are even people with surnames Veg, or Veggie.. 

Forget ISIS, this is a real threat to normal society and has to be nipped in the buds, so to speak. How can one but not feel harassed by indignantly pointed carrots and cauliflower padded boxing gloves waved in one’s face at every turn.  Oh and the bloody recipes they have to circulate in a desperate attempt to show their friends an almost delicious one they might wish to abuse their children with.  Hell, the only two people who've defriended me on Facebook (so far..) were angry Vegans who obviously felt limp and overcooked by my medium rare pokes of fun.  Oh, and just to show the even-handedness of my argumentative stance, there was a religious fundamentalist chap who felt that his Biblical quotes didn't warrant a response from the 'Dark Side' and clicked 'Unlike'. I do miss them terribly, as it's just not nearly as much fun without them being around.

I'm certainly not saying that all Vegans are bad.  Hell no!  Some of my best friends are vegans!   They just so happen to be people with a sense of humour and follow their diet in a quiet and dignified manner.  Like religious folk who drink wine and don't quote biblical verses outside of Church or Mosque in attempt to resolve the worlds ills.  The only person I know who shares his delicious meat recipes is the proud owner of South Africa's top steakhouse, the Local Grill, and that's understandable.  The rest of us Vegan-Atheists simply braai (bbq) quietly without fuss or recipe swapping bouts.  It's a sort of silent respect for the dearly departed I suppose.  Perhaps I embellish somewhat. 

So I feel I need to do something about this scourge before it gets out of hand.  You know, like Jehovah's Witnesses, 'reborn' fundamentalist religious types of any sect or religious order, badly behaved kids on planes, greedy politicians, Nigerian Lotto winning emails, insurance telesales people with no sense of humour (in fact, telesales people in general), and people who keep too many cats..   Who's with me..?

Food and wine - at times a ponsy affair

As a wine producer and lover of great food, I am often struck by the snobbery that surrounds certain wine tasting events and some of the tasters themselves, particularly outside of the Cape, Bordeaux, Tuscany, Borolo, Napa, etc.  Usually the less they know, the more important and knowledgeable they wish to appear.  In my experience, the most respected wine makers in the industry are almost without exception the most humble of people.  Many of the wine writers, and wine tasters living in the big cities however tend to ask the most obscure questions, seemingly to impress their friends.  Perhaps this has been induced by many food and wine journalists who have the tendency to write wordy, jargon filled drivel that is enough to put any prospective wine drinker off, merely due to the company he or she is likely to have to keep were they to join the ‘club’.

In the same vain, I find it rather extraordinary what restaurants such as the 'Test Kitchen' in Cape Town can serve up with much aplomb.  Yet many people applaud it and take pictures of their food and selfies taking bites (for they are just bites after-all), just because it's the 'Test Kitchen'.  Perhaps it's just me, but when I go out for dinner, I don't like to feel like I'm some guinea pig being dished up trial ‘infusions’ and mere whiffs of delicious ingredients.  Ingredients that have been mashed, moulded, patted, whipped, frothed, painted, manicured, overly positioned and re-positioned on large plates for 'so-called foodies' to mutter 'Oohs and aahs', and yet still honestly feel the need to go home via KFC to feel fully satisfied.  A ‘ponsy’ approach to food or wine is just not my scene and never has been.  Yet I really do appreciate magnificent food and superb wines. I don’t care what it costs, but leave out the fanfare and fuss, just real food, real wine and real people.  The only ones who appear to be impressed by ‘fussy’ haute or nouvelle cuisine restaurants in this day and age, are the overly pretentious and only rated highly by ‘wannabe seens’ and food journalists with Champaign corks up their own fundamental orifices.   It should be called ‘nouveau riche cuisine’.

Hell no! Rather serve me up the most magnificent 'peasant' foods from the likes of Chianti, Piermont, Central and Southern France (not Paris or the Riviera!), Basque Spain or the West Coast of Portugal and the like.  Little villages where simple, fresh ingredients and honest passion are still valued, yet without unnecessary artistic layout, over moulding, frothing, touching and re-touching.  I’m not buying a damn sculpture or an oil painting when I go out for dinner and the more people touch my food, the less inclined I am to appreciate it.  Furthermore, I can do without the ponsy waiters and waitresses who give one the impression that they hate their job and are doing you a damn big favour by letting you eat there in the first place.

 

A friend of mind when calling to book a table at the 'Test Kitchen' some time back, was told by the arrogant staff member on the other end, "You're lucky sir, we do have ONE table left for 4", to which he replied, "No my dear, YOU'RE lucky that I phoned to book at your establishment in the first place!"  That kind of sums it up rather nicely I think. After all, who exactly are we trying to impress here people?  

I think I might just rustle up a tagliatelle marinara tonight and share it with my real people..  Bon Appetit!