Size definitely does count

It still intrigues me as to how much is written about the sexual complexities of women.  I think if I have to see another article waxing lyrical on how women are attracted to a combination of personality and sense of humour, slow romantic advances, the need to have at least four different types of organism and a desire for men to merely ‘listen’ to what they have to say as their biggest turn-on; I may have to stick my finger down my throat. 

Melodramatic, perhaps, but then this really is just a load of bollox.   Women’s lib was important in the emancipation of women’s rights and equal opportunities for all, sure.  So now that we’re all equal (in most countries bar Syria, Lebanon, Libya, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Jordan, Iran, Egypt, Gaza, Nigeria, Uganda, Lebanon, .., OK so there’re a few), but on the whole, why don’t we have much written about the complexities of men?  Now I know that this will no doubt spark some cynical sniggers amongst a handful of the ‘fairer’ sex, but we shall not dwell on such puerility.  I’m sure there are many who wouldn’t and are desperately eager to find out more about men and the fact that we may be equally complex.  Or is it that neither men nor women are in fact complicated after all?

The old adage of ‘size doesn’t count’ for example, is an interesting notion.  Size of what and when may need further clarification, but I have it on good authority that it helps.  To give you an analogy, I recently had to take my car in for some minor panel beating, having reversed rather quickly into a large tree in the pouring rain, despite my very expensive park distance control.  I am told that it takes park distance control a few split seconds to turn on, and therefore wasn’t given enough time to activate prior to impact.  Personally I’m all in favour of foreplay, however it has come to my attention that my rather butch 4x4 Land Cruiser may in fact be female (if Cosmo is anything to go by).  Had I known, (despite her rather androgynous appearance), I would have taken it a little slower in twerking her up against the Pine tree.  But that said, I’m not convinced men wouldn’t favour the slower approach themselves on the whole at times too. 

Having now had to drive a very small hire car whilst my ‘lady vehicle’ is in getting botoxed and face-lifted, I have come to realise that size indeed does count.  No longer am I given the respect on the road that my rather large Land Cruiser Prado afforded me before.  I’ve taken this for granted it seems.  But driving a very small Hyundai has made me appreciate the fact that perception is in fact reality.  The fact that mine is bigger than yours, will immediately intimidate others on the road and command some respect.  However I’ll be quick to add that respect is something that should be earned, and reckless behaviour with a large ‘tool’ is not something to be respected at all.  But what is most incredible is that the lack of respect and common decency I have experienced recently on the road appears to have largely come from women drivers.  Which goes to prove, without a shadow of doubt, that size definitely does count when it comes to women.

To take my plight a bit further, the old adage of ‘shoots and leaves’ is perhaps an unfair one when placed firmly at the feet of men.  Yes there may have been practical reasons in our caveman past to have to get the job done rather quickly before a prowling sabre-toothed tiger lurked up behind us and ended the gene pool rather abruptly.  It may have had something to do with why there are relatively few lesbians around these days, but that’s another interesting study in itself. After all, surely it wouldn’t have worked if the cavewoman wasn’t equally, instantly ready for action at the same time as her knobkerrie (club) carrying man.  I doubt we populated this earth through millennia of unsatisfactory intercourse.  Sadly we weren’t that good at doing it in the trees, as neither monkeys nor baboons appear to be either, which would have saved us a lot of trouble and given us a lot more time to leaf through the Cosmo and others like it for advice.  But on the whole, I’m sure men would agree that the idea of a quickie, although on the whole sometimes rather appealing, moreover is not what guys are after either. 

However we do tend to over analyse what is, or at least should be, a rather basic human behaviour, and much of that perhaps has to do with imposed religious ‘morality’, which tended to take the joy out of a lot of things in life.  Whatever happened to mutual, raw, animal behaviour?  Just because we tart up in suits and ball gowns doesn’t make us any less raw and animalistic deep down at heart at all.  In fact it merely forms a coating of schizophrenic confusion, where many find it difficult to know when to be animal and when to be posh and upstanding, what-what.

There is no doubt that we’ve overcomplicated things when it comes down to the sexes, and it is perhaps time for us to drop our loincloths and our guard a little more often, and not be fooled or intimidated by the analysis paralysis that is sure to set in if we believe everything we read.