Size definitely does count

It still intrigues me as to how much is written about the sexual complexities of women.  I think if I have to see another article waxing lyrical on how women are attracted to a combination of personality and sense of humour, slow romantic advances, the need to have at least four different types of organism and a desire for men to merely ‘listen’ to what they have to say as their biggest turn-on; I may have to stick my finger down my throat. 

Melodramatic, perhaps, but then this really is just a load of bollox.   Women’s lib was important in the emancipation of women’s rights and equal opportunities for all, sure.  So now that we’re all equal (in most countries bar Syria, Lebanon, Libya, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Jordan, Iran, Egypt, Gaza, Nigeria, Uganda, Lebanon, .., OK so there’re a few), but on the whole, why don’t we have much written about the complexities of men?  Now I know that this will no doubt spark some cynical sniggers amongst a handful of the ‘fairer’ sex, but we shall not dwell on such puerility.  I’m sure there are many who wouldn’t and are desperately eager to find out more about men and the fact that we may be equally complex.  Or is it that neither men nor women are in fact complicated after all?

The old adage of ‘size doesn’t count’ for example, is an interesting notion.  Size of what and when may need further clarification, but I have it on good authority that it helps.  To give you an analogy, I recently had to take my car in for some minor panel beating, having reversed rather quickly into a large tree in the pouring rain, despite my very expensive park distance control.  I am told that it takes park distance control a few split seconds to turn on, and therefore wasn’t given enough time to activate prior to impact.  Personally I’m all in favour of foreplay, however it has come to my attention that my rather butch 4x4 Land Cruiser may in fact be female (if Cosmo is anything to go by).  Had I known, (despite her rather androgynous appearance), I would have taken it a little slower in twerking her up against the Pine tree.  But that said, I’m not convinced men wouldn’t favour the slower approach themselves on the whole at times too. 

Having now had to drive a very small hire car whilst my ‘lady vehicle’ is in getting botoxed and face-lifted, I have come to realise that size indeed does count.  No longer am I given the respect on the road that my rather large Land Cruiser Prado afforded me before.  I’ve taken this for granted it seems.  But driving a very small Hyundai has made me appreciate the fact that perception is in fact reality.  The fact that mine is bigger than yours, will immediately intimidate others on the road and command some respect.  However I’ll be quick to add that respect is something that should be earned, and reckless behaviour with a large ‘tool’ is not something to be respected at all.  But what is most incredible is that the lack of respect and common decency I have experienced recently on the road appears to have largely come from women drivers.  Which goes to prove, without a shadow of doubt, that size definitely does count when it comes to women.

To take my plight a bit further, the old adage of ‘shoots and leaves’ is perhaps an unfair one when placed firmly at the feet of men.  Yes there may have been practical reasons in our caveman past to have to get the job done rather quickly before a prowling sabre-toothed tiger lurked up behind us and ended the gene pool rather abruptly.  It may have had something to do with why there are relatively few lesbians around these days, but that’s another interesting study in itself. After all, surely it wouldn’t have worked if the cavewoman wasn’t equally, instantly ready for action at the same time as her knobkerrie (club) carrying man.  I doubt we populated this earth through millennia of unsatisfactory intercourse.  Sadly we weren’t that good at doing it in the trees, as neither monkeys nor baboons appear to be either, which would have saved us a lot of trouble and given us a lot more time to leaf through the Cosmo and others like it for advice.  But on the whole, I’m sure men would agree that the idea of a quickie, although on the whole sometimes rather appealing, moreover is not what guys are after either. 

However we do tend to over analyse what is, or at least should be, a rather basic human behaviour, and much of that perhaps has to do with imposed religious ‘morality’, which tended to take the joy out of a lot of things in life.  Whatever happened to mutual, raw, animal behaviour?  Just because we tart up in suits and ball gowns doesn’t make us any less raw and animalistic deep down at heart at all.  In fact it merely forms a coating of schizophrenic confusion, where many find it difficult to know when to be animal and when to be posh and upstanding, what-what.

There is no doubt that we’ve overcomplicated things when it comes down to the sexes, and it is perhaps time for us to drop our loincloths and our guard a little more often, and not be fooled or intimidated by the analysis paralysis that is sure to set in if we believe everything we read. 

Israel vs. Hamas; a War of Blind Faith?

I know when I enter into this space that it’s likely to set the cat amongst the hadedas, but after weeks of listening to and reading much of the media coverage regarding the conflict in Gaza has made it impossible for me to remain silent about it out of shear frustration and bewilderment.

At risk of sounding clichéd, I regard myself fortunate to have a number of very close friends of both the Jewish and Islamic faiths.   Despite my Methodist-Protestant heritage, for what it’s worth, they all know me for my fervent anti-religious views.   However on many occasions I have highlighted to all of these mates, usually over a glass of wine or limoncello late in the evening, of the fact that their faiths, traditional lifestyles, traditional dress and personalities are so similar that they could be ‘sub-sects’ of one another.  They’ve only lost a broader perspective of one another due to religious fundamentalism leading to distrust and even hatred.  Not something any religious person wants to hear of course.  Interestingly however their reaction has never refuted my reasoning, which perhaps may offer some hope for the Middle East.  Allow me to elaborate.

The traditional rules pertaining to Jewish and Islamic dress, for example, are surprisingly similar.  All for the purposes of not dressing to emphasise physical appearance or to attract attention, not to mention to protect one from the extreme elements of living in hot, desert conditions.  I suspect that some of this may have stemmed back to the fact that both religions (whose origins are intertwined incidentally) practiced arranged marriages, even to a greater or lesser extent today, but certainly more so in the past.  I say this in that it may have had something to do with not wanting to disappoint the prospective bride or groom with a ‘fugly’ suitor prior to marriage. After all, if no-one else, besides the ‘unlucky’ spouse could see their arranged partner fully exposed after marriage, no-one would judge, be envious, tempted or left gagging at social events.  A woman may wear a burqa (Islamic scarf) or mitpachat (Hebrew scarf) or tichel (Yiddish).  A man would protect his bald patch from the elements with an Islamic taqiyah or Jewish yarmulke , both skull caps.  Prayer shawls, robes, etc., are all part of the dress, and very similar depending upon their exact origins and orthodoxy.  There are many more similarities all with practical origins, not religious at all.   However, practicalities over the years can become traditions which in-turn can later become rigorous religious laws. 

The same is true for food restrictions between halal and kosher, practically passed down due to the hot, Middle Eastern climate that Jews and Muslims originated from, all for practical, life preserving reasons.  According to the Quran, the only foods explicitly forbidden are meat from animals that die of themselves, blood and the meat of swine (porcine animals, e.g. pigs).  Food hygiene is an important part of Islamic dietary law and rightfully so back in the day or even in modern, unhygienic settings.  The animal slaughtered must be killed quickly with a sharpened blade for humanitarian reasons.  It must not suffer.  It must not see the blade and it must not see or smell the blood from a previous slaughter.  In Judaism, the Torah specifies that the shellfish such as lobsters, oysters, shrimp, clams and crabs are all forbidden as is the ‘rock badger’, hare and pig because they don’t have ‘fins’ or lack cloven hooves are therefore not kosher .  Those are merely practical ways of differentiating beasts who’s meat can be easily infected by disease or goes off quickly if unrefrigerated.  Cattle, sheep, goats, antelope and game are kosher, but must be killed in accordance with humane Jewish law.  As with halal, kosher requires that all blood must be drained from meat and poultry or broiled out of it before it is eaten as the blood is the part of the animal that runs the risk of going off first. Obviously, these all had practical health and preservation motivations, and are remarkably similar, bar he who may bless or slaughter the beast.  That’s where the ‘tradition’ stepped in and tribal infighting left the Middle East in religious twain.  In other words, best it’s someone you know and trust who butchers your meat and provides it to you to ensure its quality control and your best interests at heart.  Practical?  Of course!  There is much wisdom in the good ‘books’ of old.  But I maintain, merely guides to practical living rather than religious fervor.

I have been struck by how similar the Israelis and Palestinians actually look in Israel, having spent some time there working and travelling around the globe.  In fact, I was constantly mistaken as to who was who, unless they identified themselves by their dress or the area in which they lived (Apart!).  Naturally, I didn’t expect to find Palestinians working and living on a Kibbutz, yet it appears they may really want to, having gone to the trouble of building complex networks of underground tunnels in order to access them.  Perhaps it’s purely a network of tunnels lovers from different ‘sides’ use to gain access to one another in secret, like royal lovers and concubines of old?  Perhaps that’s wishful thinking for now.

So, why with all that’s similar then is there this ongoing hatred and distrust in the Middle East?  Simply put, it is political more than religious, where religion is used merely as a convenient form of division and alienation.  It stems back to the Jews being incarcerated by the Egyptians thousands of years ago, yet even that fact is being disputed. 

There is no doubt that what is going on in Gaza and Israel is horrendous and that there has to be a workable political solution to the conflict and hatred.  Yet what is somewhat perplexing however is how the world at large appears to be aghast at the Israeli military response to thousands of deadly rockets being fired indiscriminately by Hamas into their cities and suburbs.  These rockets are not aimed at military targets, not in the slightest.  Yet the fact that the Israeli’s have what is known as the ‘Dome’, an automated counter measure protective response to enable the shooting down of missiles mid-air, has prevented tens of thousands of Israeli’s (Jewish, Christian, Muslim and others like me perhaps) from being slaughtered arbitrarily from a distance.  What is Hamas' real agenda I wonder?  Of course more Palestinians are going to be killed in such a response; however that’s not because Hamas intended for their rockets to kill few Israelis or to be shot down mid-air and not reach their ‘soft’ targets in suburban Israel.  The fact that hundreds of millions of Dollars have clearly been channelled from the building of schools and infrastructure in Gaza to supporting dozens of tunnels in order to infiltrate Israel speaks reams of fundamentalist Palestinian priorities.  So the response of any government to defend its people is understandable.  Nevertheless, the killing of innocent people is never acceptable, however it is clear that Hamas have absolutely no qualms in doing so themselves, yet quick to throw their arms up in horror when the reverse occurs, despite unusual Israeli warnings being issued in advance.  This whilst the heads of Hamas hob-knob with Middle-Eastern ‘Royalty’ safely outside of the conflict zone.

Israelis themselves are just as guilty of racism and being somewhat overzealous when it comes to how they react militarily.  There’s much pent up anger, hatred and desire for revenge at any opportunity from both sides.  It’s like an open wound.  Things have just spiralled out of control and it’ll take a lot to bring it back from the brink.  But it is still possible.

Being South African, the experiences we’ve endured have taught us many things about the stupidity of ‘blind faith’ and ‘traditional ignorance’ when it comes to people of different cultures, creeds and traditions.  Despite Apartheid we have an incredibly tolerant and embracing society, on the whole, and much to offer those in war torn parts of the world.  Israelis and Palestinians need to forget the differences and focus on their similarities.  The hope for one’s children’s futures, for decent living conditions, good education, infrastructure, peace, neighbourliness, freedom of cultural traditions and peaceful interaction.  There is little doubt that there is so much that is similar, far more so than the differences between them.  It is time to leave the ‘religious fundamentalism’ behind and sit down as parents, grandparents, lovers and children and focus on common desires.  There’s got to be room to accommodate all, amicably.  Sadly however, religious fundamentalism and inherent distrust will never allow for such practical alternatives to divide and rule.

Say Noakes to Vegans

As an ardent non-believer in religions and extremist fads or any shape or form, there are more than a few dishevelled Vegans who have a beef with me.  Some have gone so far as to de-friend me from their Facebook list of gaunt friends.  I must be honest, I have been tempted to photo-bomb their sites with pictures of crackling and lard, but decided to refrain.  One or two of the disenchanted are relatives, so de-friending me may not be an option, although my family has always encouraged robust debate, yet I’ve always particularly favoured the ‘bait’ part of the term.  Perhaps it’s the suppressed politician in me?

Over the past year however, it has been intriguing to witness the ‘reborn’ Noakes-ists, who have overtaken many an ardent vegetarian by dominating the dinner party conversation.  (Prof Tim Noakes, for those who have been visiting another planet, or living on an island - no Australia's not an island - is the mastermind behind the 'Real Meal Revolution' which endorses the ancient Banting Diet of high fat low carbs) facebook.com/timnoakesrevolution. Yet instead of the usual, ‘ooh, I don’t eat slaughtered offerings’, it’s now, ‘do you have extra fatty bacon to go with my kale?”.  Who’d even heard of kale until the revolution began beyond the tracks of the Sport Science Institute in Cape Town's leafy Newlands suburb?

The revolution has caused much divide, particularly amongst the anorexically challenged.  Physiologists are having to deal with couch potatoes ruing their evening’s inclusion of a spud with their tuna steak for dinner, or God forbid, a peach or nectarine, once believed to be a healthy fruit, now vanquished horror balls of deadly sucrose, almost as deadly as a glass of Coke (a-cola..).   The Noakes biblical ‘Red List’ says so!  It conjures up images of health clinics dressed with stained glass windows, a slaughter altar and a piece of rump with an halo hovering over it, whilst the acoustics echo sounds of oversized, smiling praise singers.  Sound familiar?  

It has been a while since I attended a dinner party, ate out at a restaurant or even stood beside the school rugby field and didn't hear something about ‘hold the carbs, and load the beef’ and how much weight they've lost as a result thereof.  How does one pass on a bacon and egg roll on a misty Saturday morning on the sidelines just because rolls are made of carbs?  Rolls were made to hold bacon and eggs, they’re carriers of delight.  Holding is good, we all need to be held from time to time.  However, that said, perhaps there's nothing more delightful than the thought of a 'roll' made of woven crispy bacon, though I see that I'm not the first to fantasise about such things.

As a meat lover, this new found ‘religion’ has played beautifully onto my plate, although clearly I must be doing something wrong, as one thing I haven’t lost is weight.  I know I’m not doing it religiously, but as I said, religions scare the hell out of me (oops, Freudian slip).  So I sin from time to time, and I’m told, like the devil, when one sins with carbs one’s body saps up every last morsel like a sponge, leaving one worse off than when one simply ate carbs every day.  So sue me, I repent once a week.  

Call me a turncoat but I must be honest, I haven’t been to visit my cardiologist for a cholesterol check up for a few years now.  Something I started doing decades ago due to my family history of heart disease.   My grandfather was merely 34 years old when he died of a heart-attack whilst playing golf, and my father 48 when he had his first massive coronary followed by a quadruple bypass.  Both were lean and fit men at the time.  My poor father, despite having survived this horrific ordeal for another 18 years thereafter, was forced onto the Heart Foundation’s ‘low cholesterol’ diet of almost zero fat, including steamed chicken and fish, lots of carbs, margarine instead of butter, lean cuts of beef, no chicken skin, no prawns or crayfish, low fat cheese, skim milk, low fat yogurt, steamed veggies, etc.  Sadly, this was perhaps more deadly than was ever imagined at the time.  Though never one to grumble, he sat there eating his miserable, tasteless meals night after night, as we sat around eating something else.  Enough to kill anyone, particularly one such as myself who believes that life’s just too short for average food, palatable wine and merely acceptable company. 

So with all said and done, perhaps there’s something to be said for ‘all things in moderation’, as the saying goes.  Go to Shabbat on Friday, Mosque on Sat and Church on Sunday.  A fine combination of Kosher kitka bread, Halaal chicken and Reborn Parma ham.  All washed down with copious amounts of wine, water and more wine, makes for a superb meal and a good life.  Perhaps even the folk in Gaza might like to join me for dinner.  No knives or other sharp objects set, just inspired debate and conversation accompanied by good fatty food, some wine blessed by all of the gods and a few decadent ‘tatoes too-boot.  Peace and love!

Undeniably Fascinating Study of Biblical Proportions

I have never been known to be quiet particularly when it comes to sex, politics or religion, and have enjoyed much animated banter and heated debate on all equally so.  Sadly however, there have been one or two casualties along the way, yet very few, where I may have alienated some folk who have disagreed so vehemently with me, that they felt it too difficult to preserve the friendship.  Sad indeed in that I have loved and respected friendships with people whom I regard as passionately differing in views to myself in many respects, yet with the ability to discuss and debate challenging issues maturely, eruditely, openly and honestly, without emotions getting in the way.  Other than Veganism, religion however has been the only one where these casualties I speak of have arisen, and only Christianity at that.  Perhaps that speaks reams about the religion and the unease and vulnerability in which it has left many of its so-called converts or believers.  However, that is my opinion of course, yours may differ and I encourage you to tell me why?

I suppose my biggest surprise has been a few of my better educated mates, who can still believe in what I've understood so clearly since my youth to be clear contradictions in-terms across almost any facet of the Bible.  Blind faith and intellect I have always felt to be oxymorons.  But as I say, there are a few who appear to contradict this conclusion of mine, and why I just cannot comprehend.  As a moral guide, I accept the Bible has a place, although even there I have difficulties based upon the absurd violent, misogynistic, sociopathic cruelty that besets the Book from start to finish, particularly so in the Old Testament.  There is a clear distinction in the God of ‘old’ and the God of ‘new’.  The former was ruthless and revengeful, speaking openly and frequently to His/Her/Its chosen subjects, whilst the latter only spoke to Jesus apparently.  Not even a burning bush to set hearts on fire in the New Testament. 

But of course I could go on and on.  I mean, why go to all the trouble to create little people in ‘your own image’ only to have to drown them all, bar a small family, a few centuries later for bad behaviour.  As for the incest that clearly followed, well that’s something else to comprehend.  So who created ‘bad behaviour’ then after all, I beseech thee?  After all, who was THE creator of EVERYTHING, mosquitoes included?  And so I could go on asking why babies die before being able to make the so-called choice, people who have been born and died over thousands of years without hearing the ‘word of God’ or Jesus.  What was the point of having all of them around at all?  But let me stop it at that before I can’t stop.

Recently I was forwarded a website that I found profoundly fascinating and have spent some time going through it in my spare time.  The site is http://bibviz.com/ , according to which, aspires to be a beautiful and interactive resource for sceptics and believers alike to explore some of the more negative aspects of the holy books, such as Bible contradictions, biblical inerrancy and the Bible as a source of morality.  It was deeply inspired by the Reason Project's poster of biblical contradictions, which in turn was inspired by Chris Harrison's Bible Visualizations.  Worth Googling in their own right.

Many of the contradictions shown stem from a literal interpretation of the stories in the Bible (biblical inerrancy). Some verses may be mistranslations, allegories, exaggerations, etc. and can be interpreted in the context of the society in which they were written, rewritten, or otherwise modified over time, while others are very clear contradictions.

Considering that 46% of Americans apparently believe in a literal interpretation of Genesis (and probably other portions of the Bible) and the fact that many sects disagree on which parts to take literally, it seems reasonable to include these contradictions based on literal interpretation.

The developer intends for this massive project to show that whilst the Bible may have much to offer us, biblical inerrancy and morality it certainly does not. Without inerrancy it's simple to see that we just do not know which parts are the ‘word’ or ‘will’ of God are true or factually correct, if any. Basing our morality on vile, abhorrent stories from a long-forgotten era of humanity in a part of the world many have never even seen seems absurd to me. What the Bible does offer us however is an amazing look into humanity, our past, our desires and our fears.  No more so perhaps than Steven Covey’s, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

So with that said, let the stoning begin..

Sirloin, Lion and Bush Stories around the Fire

Nothing quite like a 3kg sirloin on the braai (wood fire bbq) in the boma, (grass fed and matured meat incidentally from from my good mate Steve Maresch's Local Grill), sitting around the fire with Mario and Meagan, ranger/managers at Olifants and Baluli, sharing our wild African bush experiences. So much time spent in this magnificent part of the world, yet so much more to learn about nature and her intricacies. Some very hairy tails from all sitting around the fire, but all spoken with much sensitivity and shared awe. There is nothing quite like the wild African Bush. Hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it for themselves. It's a mixture of love, vulnerability, insignificance, total awareness, beauty, birth, death, nurture and earned respect all rolled into one.

Lying in bed now, I can hear a baboon quite close by barking warnings to his troop, interspersed with a hyena whooping every few seconds. Clearly there are lion on the prowl outside our lodge tonight.  Not sorry now that Alex suggested he Dylan and I pack up in the boma after watching the last of the dying embers and head for the house as he felt that something was lurking about. It's cold outside, but it's warm in here..