Sad State of Islamic Affairs

So World War III has begun it seems!  Although nice to see old enemies rallying together for the ‘common good’ it appears that this unusual set of bedfellows, now known as the ‘Allies’, are indeed a rather bastardised bunch of misfits.   The United States seems to me to have opened another can of worms that we’re all going to struggle to control in time to come.  In fact, that statement in itself may be extremely optimistic.  Have we not learned from the history of backing the wrong teams?  Well of course not. 

It wasn’t too long ago that the US endorsed and colluded with the corrupt and dictatorial  Shah Pahlavi of Iran (also our friend in Apartheid SA), in their financing and arming of Kurdish rebels in the Second Kurdish–Iraqi War  in the early ‘70’s.  That was until the Iranian people had had enough and opted for a radical about turn to orthodox fundamentalism through the Islamic Revolution and unceremoniously tossed the Shah and his family out of Iran.  We had already set up Marino Chiavelli’s mansion, Summer Place, in Sandton, for the Shah and his family to reside until he succumbed to cancer in the US whilst still in exile.  Within a few years, Iran had turned back decades of reform.  

Then the US and the French in particular, supported French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac’s close friend, Saddam Hussein, in his ambitions to topple the Iranian Islamic government. With the support of the Arab states, the United States and Europe, along with significant financial aid from the Persian Gulf states, Saddam Hussein became "the defender of the Arab world" against a revolutionary Iran.  It is often conveniently forgotten too that Saddam initiated Iraq's nuclear enrichment project in the 1980s, with French assistance.  That was until the Israeli’s got jittery and decided to destroy the enrichment facility as early as 1981 with a few air to ground missiles.  

The Israelis didn’t buy the ‘allied strategy’ from the start.  Despite this, the US, UK, France and other allies viewed Iraq as "an agent of the civilized world".  The fact that Iraq had tossed international law out of the window and increased violations of international borders; this too was simply ignored by the West.  Instead, Iraq received economic and military support from its ‘then’ allies, who conveniently overlooked Saddam's use of chemical warfare against the Kurds and the Iranians whilst he frustrated Iran's efforts to develop nuclear weapons.  These chemicals incidentally, having been developed from materials and technology supplied primarily by West German companies (just when you thought they’d been destroyed and dismantled after WWII), as well as the Reagan administration.  At the same time, the US also supplied Iraq with satellite imagery showing Iranian deployments, and encouraged Hussein to bomb civilian targets in Tehran and other Iranian cities.  In order to open full diplomatic relations with Iraq, the US removed the country from their little black book list of State Sponsors of Terrorism.  Ironically, they were allegedly developing their own nuclear stash, which turned out to be an embarrassing, bogus ‘mistake’ in the more recent ‘war on weapons of mass destruction’. 

Next there was Osama Bin Laden, who was quietly supported by the US in his war against the Soviet Union in Afghanistan.  It was believed that he and his al-Qaeda managed to "bring down the mighty superpower" of the Soviet Union in the late ‘80’s just prior to Perestroika.  I know differently.  And so it goes.

So now, in the apparent tunnel vision strategy to wipe out the Islamic State ‘ISIS or ISIL’ or however the CIA decides to spell it this week, we now have the US rallying old Middle Eastern enemies like a flock of tame sheep.  According to President Barack Obama and the Pentagon, only five countries; Bahrain, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Qatar and the United Arab Emirates, have joined the United States in this week's air-strikes in Syria.  Not surprisingly, that’s not the whole story, as US enemy, Syrian President Bashar Assad, is now a useful mate in-arms (or blind eye).  Although the US can't admit to working with him, because he's the dictator the US supported Syrian rebels are trying to overthrow, the US managed to hit at least 50 targets in three parts of his country, whilst Assad’s substantial and very capable air defenses stayed parked in their bunkers, with not even a radar being deployed against the noisy foreign incursion.  That’s perhaps a little too remarkable wouldn't you say?

Meantime the US also denies coordinating with Assad's ally, Iran. “Iran and the US!” I hear you scream.  Not only that, but all the Gulf states and Sunni tribes are now friends, despite John Kerry’s woeful attempts to say otherwise.  Surely only CNN believe him when he moves his lips.

Despite my relatively short stint in SA Naval Intelligence and regular interactions with NATO Intelligence in the mid ‘80’s, (mainly the CIA, MI3, MI5, MI6 and Israeli Intelligence), I find this strategic approach rather short sighted to say the least.  Surely the Americans and the European allies can see through the desire of some to be armed and supported in the short-term, in order to wreak havoc in the region in the longer-term?  The allies have been guilty of short-term strategic intent far too many times in the past, leaving mayhem and destruction in their wake (I can testify to that from ‘not so wonderful’ personal experience).  More often than not, ‘worse a devil you don’t know than the devil you do’, if one can bastardise the phrase.  

One cannot but abhor what is known as the Islamic State and their ridiculous fundamentalist agenda, in fact I don’t believe it is Islamic at all, and definitely needs to be brought under control very quickly.  Yet I cannot but foresee a melting pot of disaster in the Middle East in the years to come, not to mention the bombing of soft targets within each allied country becoming the norm.  This is no ordinary war and the repercussions are dire.  As I've said so often before, religious fundamentalists (Christian, Jewish, Muslim or other), are impossible to reason with, and yet not easy to identify from within.  It is just too easy for Islamic State militants and just ordinary, disenfranchised Muslim fundamentalists in the West, to pop up all over the world with the desire to seek revenge for whatever ails them.

What is needed here is a removal of the cause, and not the symptoms.

Is the Oscar Case Really an Abusive Wake-up Call?

Over the past few days I have been inundated with emails, Facebook messages, electronic news and good old fashioned newspaper articles lambasting the judgement by Judge Masipa in the Oscar Pistorius case.  What has intrigued me is that most of these have tended to focus on the apparent abuse of Reeva and the plight of abused women in general. Even the ANC Women's League ranted outside the court and took issue with the learned judge after the judgement was announced. She was after all a woman, and women should stick together, sisters! 

Don't get me wrong here, I absolutely abhor abuse of any sort, particularly that of women and children. However, is this case really the right case to attach such sentiment to, or merely an opportunistic window used to get exposure no matter the association, proof or lack thereof?

I have said before on a few occasions however, that I find it rather cheap journalism to have to turn this into a sexist or racist case.  Moreover, there are many ill-informed South Africans who are rubbishing their country and the legal system due to pure ignorance of the law. 

I most certainly don't agree with their sentiment, because it surely applies equally to women who murder their husbands and their children as much as it applies to men who murder other men, white or black. The point of law is not to be presumptuous or swayed by people with personal gripes or media hype, but to consider all the evidence and facts of the case very carefully. In this case there was never going to be clear cut evidence, as the only other witness is dead. Advocate Gerrie Nel did his best to throw insinuations and possible scenarios at the court, but that’s all it was.  There was no factual evidence to back it up.  There is a chance that Oscar’s explanation is true, although very unlikely, there is still a chance. Hence, where there is 'reasonable doubt' there cannot be a guilty verdict and that goes for presumptuous opinions about their allegedly abusive relationship too.

To give you an example. Years ago, whilst playing mixed doubles tennis with my cousin’s wife as my partner against my then girlfriend and cousin, I hit the ball, which hit the top of the net and shot up into my rather competitive girlfriend’s eye.  She was playing up at the net at time.  Needless to say, she ended up with a beaut black eye for the rest of the holiday.  What was interesting, and rather disturbing however, was the fact that when asked (and very few people did ask her directly, incidentally), she told them that I had given her a smack, thinking it rather amusing.  Needless to say, I am still convinced that those who didn’t get her Aussie sense of humour, may still believe that to be the case to this day.  After all, people love a scandalous story, especially when it’s least expected.  At least I hope it was least expected!

We must remember that many people were hung from the gallows in the past and later found to be innocent, hence the updating of the law to protect those innocent until proven guilty. Reasonable doubt is the saving grace.

There is no doubt that many people would have loved to have seen Oscar found guilty of first degree murder, merely because he came across as a bit of a bastard, not only to Reeva, but to others around him at times.  That does seem to be a little extreme it must be said. But it certainly doesn't make of him a murderer, nor a woman abuser necessarily. Sadly as with most things in life, perception becomes the onlooker's reality and therefore any conviction to the contrary is likely to spark discontent amongst the masses. People love to see justice done, even if it is unjust.

As much as it is always a possibility, I'm not sure about the 'clear' conclusion regarding 'violence against women' in this case however. Take the case of the woman in Jo'burg who arranged to have her husband killed by supposed house robbers when he went to check why the lights had tripped. Or the woman who arranged to have her judge husband murdered in Sea Point recently, etc. Is that something that indicates violence against men? I think not. It's murder, that's for sure.  Similarly I'm not certain that one can conclusively presume abuse against Reeva. Murder possibly, manslaughter, without doubt, as he admitted to that. Oscar may have some serious issues, that's for sure, but judging by the witness reports it appears he has issues from both a men's and women's perspective. 

I understand the plight of abuse against women who are not able to be independent, self-supporting, or have themselves had an abusive upbringing.  But surely Reeva must have been equally stupid to have stayed with Oscar, if what they say is true. After all, she was pretty, smart, financially self-sufficient and apparently very well liked. Why many women do this to themselves and blame men alone I have never been able to understand.  Surely women must learn to take some responsibility themselves for staying with abusive men, whether the abuse is induced physically or emotionally. I am sorry if I don't sound very sympathetic, as I regard myself, perhaps mistakenly, as a fairly considerate and open minded bloke who loves women dearly. However, I find behaviour such as this extremely hard to understand from both sides.  Perhaps society needs to rethink their approach to matters of abuse.  After all it is the mothers and fathers of sons and daughters who are clearly jointly responsible for getting the message through without any ambiguity.  Where that system fails we need it to be part of school curriculum, as sex education is already, and prevent this scourge from passing through to yet another generation.

Hot Yoga is no Yoking Matter

Having been a sceptic of most things 'woo-woo' as I term them, until proven otherwise, I have always pigeon-holed yoga into the same sad genre as veganism, tattoos and blond braids. One could perhaps add to the list; the likes of bitter herbal flu drops from health shops, having one's own chickens on one's small holding in Noordhoek to control snails but not for eating, and the very same tiny white pills homoeopaths prescribe for popping under one's tongue to remedy every ill.  Only just last week our vet gave me the very same little white pills for our West Highland Terrier’s eczema!  So you see what I mean? However on the yoga front, and only yoga from the list above (I must insist), I have been forced to eat some humble pie of late. I'm not sure where 'humble pie' fits into the Banting diet if at all, but I have to admit I haven’t really been following that for some time. I just enjoy pasta far too much to be menu swapping partners with Prof. Tim Noakes, as nice and convincing a bloke as he is.

There’s no doubt that yoga lacks the ability to substitute the aerobic exercise I'm used to, but I have come to realize the fact that there is something rather satisfyingly exhilarating and logically soothing about this weird slow motion practice of many prayer inspired poses. Thanks to the nagging encouragement of one of my fittest swimming mates, the kind who swim to and from Robben Island in 6°C water, and her tirelessly supportive husband, I have just completed my first week of 'Hot Yoga'.  Despite only having been exposed to the apparent entry level bikram yoga, whereas I understand that yo bikram, ashtanga and vinyasa flow yoga await my curiosity, I have started to realise that toning and stretching without the jarring from impact will not only raise one's heart rate significantly, but make one feel extraordinarily good about oneself.  I have been well advised that I remain on the basic level class until I can satisfactorily wrap my arms and legs into reef knots, legs and arms outstretched fore and aft, whilst remaining calm and perfectly upright on a pointed rock beside the ocean’s lapping waves.  I now accept that advice most gladly.

Ok, so there is the added motivation that being one of the only males in the room does have its advantages. Being new to it all, one is often forced to examine one's posture by inspecting the superbly firm, curvy buttocks bent over or legs spread-eagled in front of one, or to the left or right. As perverted or invasive as that may sound to some, there really is no time to dilly-dally as serious concentration is required at 40℃ and balance and correct posture are key, but the vision isn't something to be scoffed at that's for sure. 

The 'woo-woo' lingo in hushed chalky tones I do however find somewhat superfluous, as I have no idea what on earth the instructor is referring to most of the time anyway. Why plain English isn't an option I have no idea?  Hence the need for regular, well meaning ‘butt glances', for me at least, in order to be guided into correctly striking my next pose.  To support my point, on completion of my first hour-long session, the instructress recommended we lie back on our mats “to absorb the energy – woo-woo” or some such; heels together, arms by our sides, palms up and eyes closed. As she left the room, she quietly said what I thought was 'you-mus-stay', which everyone else repeated for some bizarre reason. So I stayed, deciding not to look around for any reaffirmation, so as to appear a little less distracted. Only when the cleaning lady, armed with a bucket and mop, entered into the room some 20 minutes later did I wake up, and seeing no-one else about came to the conclusion that I may have misunderstood the jargon, just a little. Yet after a quiet, embarrassed chuckle to myself as I sheepishly collected my mat and towels, I tried slipping out of the room without being noticed, only to be met with calm, loving greetings by the smiling staff sitting in the reception lounge.  Despite feeling a touch embarrassed, I left feeling rather good about it all and even glowing somewhat.

Having now signed up for longer-term membership, I’ve now become rather confident about it all, and with a break in meetings, popped through to today’s 13h00 yoga class, mistakenly thinking it was Wednesday, as opposed to Thursday.  Clearly the ‘woo-woo’ is affecting my judgment. As a result I ended up in entirely the wrong class only realising it once it had begun.  The Super-Advanced ‘Ashtanga’ Class as it happens, where one is expected to tie oneself up into ever demolishing circles and make extraordinary movements (and noises) until one finally pops one’s head up one’s own fundamental orifice, levitating above the mat whilst quietly whimpering ‘Oooh, but it’s dark up here!’..  A mistake I'm not likely to repeat in a hurry, although I was rather proud at having been able to do most of the poses, bar the above, which in itself isn't that distressing.  Despite her valiant efforts, I did manage to make my rather serious instructress giggle quietly to herself on a few occasions as she tried hard not to kill herself laughing.  But I shall be back, with vigour, only to the correct class next time.

So, I'm a new convert to Hot Yoga, that’s true, however if you catch me starting to think about lentils, brussel sprouts, tofu and mineral water for lunch afterwards, please put me down. 

A Short Guide on Cricket - for Moms!

To read the article as published in Child Magazine - Sept '14 Issue, click here..

The Full, Unedited Article:

As one of the fortunate fathers to have had the privilege of attending most of my two sons’ sport games over the years; I am mostly surrounded by moms on the side-lines, (fortunate in and of itself perhaps), and even the odd youthful au pair I might add.   During this time, I tend to get suckered into spending a great deal of the match as purveyor of the rules of the game (particularly cricket and water-polo).  This may be some elaborately sexist, stereotypically caring way of making me feel less conspicuous amongst the more intuitive sex, in that I’m automatically expected to understand the rules.  Nevertheless I embrace the banter as it inevitably drifts to far more intriguing ‘women’s talk’ a few moments later.  I do feel that at least I contribute something to the social side-lines, no matter how trivial my contribution. 

Despite my generally boosted status and morale, I have felt compelled to offer a short guide on cricket for moms (..and au pairs).  Although it is no easy task by any means, I have selected a few aspects that have popped up more frequently than others as some useful tips to help boost your cricketing prowess. Call it a FAQ & Answers guide if you like.  (Note that I have refrained from including ‘..For Dummies’)!

To start with, it is important that we dispel a few cricketing myths:

·         a box is not something to wrap Xmas presents in, no matter how precious the package;

·         a slip is not a woman's undergarment worn beneath a dress or skirt;

·         an extra cover is not a coat for your son to wear over his jersey;

·         not only those with magnificent figures may field at fine leg;

·         If your son is asked to field at backward point, that doesn’t mean that he is in any way being chastised for making a silly point;

·         and deep mid-wicket is not an innovative name for a follow up sequel to 50 Shades of Grey.  

With some of those out of the way, here are a few tips to help you appear extremely knowledgeable during idle chatter (but strictly only between breaks in play). Just enough to make your friends marvel and cricket knowledgeable dads treat you with a new-found level of side-line respect.  Cricket spectators are a breed unto themselves, particularly the serious ones.  Respect needs to be earned here like no other sport, and that is just the way it is.

·         There are 3 primary forms of cricket; test cricket, limited overs cricket and 20/20 cricket, each being strategically and tactically very different.  This acknowledgement alone will score you incredible points on the side-lines with impressed eyebrow lifting and nodding to boot. 

·         Test cricket is usually played over 4 or 5 days at professional level.  However at school level in order to teach the ‘proper’ game to youngsters with limited attention spans, ‘time or declaration’ cricket is often played to emulate test cricket instead.  This is where there is a strong chance of a draw, when the first side to bat doesn’t have sufficient time left to bowl the other side out, no matter how few runs the latter side may have scored.  Difficult to comprehend, but stay with me here.

·         Limited overs or 50/50 cricket was introduced to offer those with limited attention spans a chance to enjoy the game and put bums on seats back in the 80’s as time and appreciation for the original form of the game started to wane.  Even the ever essential ‘whites’ were replaced by some rather colourful gear in a form of the game that creates much more hype and opportunity for marketing, side-line distraction, TV coverage and most importantly for many spectators - a result (a win or a loss).

·         If the above form wasn’t enough to make true cricketing aficionados roll in their graves, T20 or 20/20 cricket most certainly would have.  As the age of instant gratification became more prevalent amongst sport enthusiasts in the late 90’s, and advertising revenue ruled the roost of professional sport, this form of cricket was introduced to offer shear entertainment.  Here batsmen are enticed to take much greater risks in order to score big runs (4’s and 6’s are encouraged as sex and action are in the movies, for retained attention). 

There is as much off the field entertainment as on, with many spectators not being huge appreciators of fine cricket, side shows became the norm.  Scantily clad dancing girls gyrate after every boundary, in what some might call ‘provocative’ outfits (even in Dubai!), jiving to the beat of a loud cacophony of DJ music mixes, accompanied by pyrotechnics.  The gear is no longer merely colourful, but Gaudi-esque.  To cricket aficionado snobs, this is ‘just not cricket!’  But it’s bums on seats that counts, and this form of the game has made cricket far more accessible and a great day or night out for the entire family. 

·         Now, one of the questions often posed by an irritable mum on the side-lines is ‘why her son isn’t bowling’ or ‘is now batting down the order’.  The reason is most likely simply team strategy and tactics.  A different approach is required for each and every game or form of the game.  It is dependent upon many factors, too many to mention here, but just go with it. 

Your son may be a great opening batsman, but not much good at scoring quick runs required in limited overs.  Much like chess, cricket is a game requiring a great degree of strategic planning and tactical adaptation.  Similarly, on a particular day, your beloved son who is a marvellous little bowler, may not be the most appropriate to bowl at that particular time.  Unfortunately however, as in life, politics and sport are never entirely mutually exclusive.

·         You may feel that your son is a talented all-rounder in your eyes, and that may be delightfully true, but genuine ‘all-rounders’ are rare commodities.  However it is understood that it would ‘be nice’ for your son to do a bit of everything (like Jacques Kallis or AB de Villiers), and in the junior age groups that should be encouraged.  But as he moves up the prep or primary school ladder, it will become evident as to what sort of speciality he is most likely to excel at.  Remember, far fewer than 1% of our darlings will ever play professionally!

·         Some poo-poo cheering on the side-lines, though there are differences in etiquette in the various forms of the game. The stiffest rules pertain to Test Cricket.  However the world is a changing place and shouting encouragement from the side-lines is no longer out of place.  So long as you do so during breaks-in-play.  “Bravo!” is sometimes still a firm favourite amongst some, as is “Jolly good cricket all round chaps!”, but comments like “take his head off”, “moer him!” and the like are generally still frowned upon in all forms of the game. 

·         Finally mom’s, a box is something that your son should choose for himself.  Although he’s bound to choose one that’s way too large for his ‘spud’, it’ll give him some sense of satisfaction even though there may be few pictures of him not readjusting his crotch after every shot.  After all, men are born convinced that size counts, as women are about weight perhaps.  At the end of the day, better a big box than a small box, as the latter is bound to end in tears.

Cricket is a brilliant character builder for those who persevere.  So my advice here is; be brave, be very brave, as your sons have to be in order to enjoy this challenging, complex, yet extremely gratifying game. 

Howzat!?

The Middle East in context for Dummies

I cannot lay claim to this insight, but as it was passed on to me I thought it worth sharing as it puts the conflict in (at least part of) the Middle East nicely into perspective..

This clarifies what's been confusing us about the current situation in the Middle East.

·         We in the US support the Iraqi government in the fight against ISIS.

·         We don't like ISIS, but ISIS is supported by Saudi Arabia, who we do like.

·         We don't like Assad in Syria. We support the fight against him, but ISIS is also fighting against him.

·         We don't like Iran, but Iran supports the Iraqi government in its fight against ISIS.

·         So some of our friends support our enemies, some enemies are now our friends, and some of our enemies are fighting against our other enemies, who we want to lose, but we don't want our enemies who are fighting our enemies to win.

·         If the people we want to defeat are defeated, they could be replaced by people we like even less.

·         And all this was started by our invading a country to drive out terrorists who were not actually there until we went in to drive them out.

It's all quite simple, really.

Analyse the statistics and C – Y (Inevitable Road Rage in 'Slaap Stad')

I recently received an article written by the ‘illustrious’ Steve Hofmeyer (an Afrikaans entertainer,  loved by a small few, who has a habit of putting his foot in his mouth at times).  Naturally this is not something I necessarily have a problem with, unless of course it’s trite, which is very often is.  Nevertheless, this particular article apparently got him into some trouble for being racist, although I'm not entirely sure it wasn't all a rather poorly orchestrated publicity stunt.  However there was an interesting angle in what he appeared to mean by the article in saying that, ‘South African women are more likely to be murdered by their husbands and partners, but [that] this does not hold true for white South African Women’.

It is a well-known fact that more than 85% of murders in South Africa are domestically based, or involve parties who know one another.  Interesting and rather refreshing one might argue, though it may cause some trust issues amongst spouses.  But where I do come to Mr. Hofmeyer’s defence, purely as a strategist you understand, is the fact that very often it is the analysis of statistical data that can paint a very clear and concise picture and yet is often hidden from the public eye in case it upsets some folk.  More importantly however, this analysis could provide the foundations upon which to build a very focused and relevant set of objectives followed by appropriate and practical strategies in order to either improve or neutralise the issue at hand, whatever it may be.

Another favourite example of mine is the road accident statistics, where these rather nebulous figures are fed to us as if we were a cluster of mushrooms living in a dark closet.  Although I wish to make it clear that I have absolutely nothing against men (or women) who live in closets, if they so choose, most of us have more insight from our day to day experience than peering through a tiny key hole for the bits of selective light thrown at us by officials.  In each province in South Africa there are obvious transgressors of the laws of the road.  In Gauteng, the most obvious ones are mini-bus taxi drivers, although most folk appear to have adopted the attitude of ‘well if they can get away with it, then so will I’, as they accelerate long after the robot (stop light) has turned orange or even red, as a form of aggressive arrogance or ignorance perhaps.  However on the whole, the most obvious transgressors appear to be those damn taxi drivers.  So then why is that?  Is it the way taxi drivers are incentivised, or trained, or simply because mini-bus taxis are more obvious to spot and therefore a form of slanted research sample, just as most people who complain about aggressive driving refer to BMW drivers in particular?  Perhaps this is because BMW’s allow for fast acceleration and agility like no other relatively mass produced vehicle, and therefore these drivers get annoyed by slow, aimless traffic hogging the right hand lane?  Then again, are aggressive people drawn to the aggressive looking grill of the BMW perhaps, as opposed to the ‘where the hell are we vacant look of a Hyundai’ or the  'where did you say you put that carrot' look Porsche, or are we all just discriminators of a different sort?  

By blaming taxi drivers, is without doubt pointing at a particular demographic and even sex, but is that really the intent, I doubt it.  After all majority of black, male drivers aren't taxi drivers.  Is it therefore racist to generalise about BMW drivers, even if the aggressive driving generalisation may have some truth in it?  Assuming of course that vehicle makes could be constituted along racial lines, that is.  I'm sure the majority of BMW drivers happen to be white males.

It may be equally true therefore that the slow, aimless vehicles are very often driven by people who can’t afford to have theirs serviced regularly, belching smoke from their exhaust pipes as they splutter along the road, or people who lack any sense of urgency and ambition, or even little old ladies chatting to their bridge partners perhaps?  Again I have nothing against bridge playing little old ladies, but ‘the youthfully challenged’ can be a liability on the road, and this includes little old men.  Hence the reason for countries like Canada insisting upon retesting for licenses from the age of 50 every few years.  I know I may regret this in time. My grandmother, aged 82 and still driving in Johannesburg at the time (rather badly I might add), when challenged by one of her granddaughters made the following comment that still sits uneasily with me to this day, she said puffing her chest out, “In all the 64 years I've been driving, I've never had one accident.”  Then after a short pause, “..I just don’t know how many I've caused”, and then proceeded to giggle wickedly to herself.

Having lived in Johannesburg, Natal, London, Toronto and driven in most countries of Europe, particularly Italy and France on many an occasion, as well Australia and the USA, Cape Townians are undoubtedly the worst drivers in the world.  However it’s not the arrogance and aggression shown by Gauteng and Jo’burg drivers in particular, here it’s what I believe is perfectly summed up by the Afrikaans term ‘vaakheid’.  ‘Vaak’ means to be in another world, daydreaming or just simply switched off, though their cell phones aren’t always.  The number of people who run red traffic lights and pedestrian crossings, who hog the right hand lane or simply change lanes without even a glance into a mirror (assuming the mirror is actually not angled towards the driver’s face of course), non-existent side mirrors, and god forbid the effort to toggle an indicator, are quite simply just ‘vaak’.  As much as I love Cape Town for its sleepiness, being the antithesis of hustle and bustle, the driving aspect has me in a mild form of daily road rage.  It is the reason why switched on Cape Townians don’t generally let their kids ride bicycles to school. 

Most interesting to me however is that there is a rather clear observation which one can make day in and day out.  So much so, that it makes one wonder if there’s a concerted effort to find the causes rather than the merely the symptoms  thereof, and that is the drivers who transgress the laws on the road more than any other appear to be drivers from a particular area and group of suburbs in Northern Cape Town.  I’m talking about drivers with ‘CY’ and ‘CF’ number plates in particular.  Now I know that this is going to lead to some gnashing of teeth and comments of ‘generalisation!’ especially amongst the few good mates I have who happen to have these number plates.  Of course I'm not suggesting that everyone is lawless in this case, but it certainly seems to me to be a very clear cut statistic, purely based upon 16 years of neutral observation, and this despite the number of such number plates in greater Cape Town being far fewer than the dominant ‘CA’ plates.  Even my sons have made a bit of a game of it, when someone does something foolish or unpredictable on the road one of them will shout, ‘what do you know – CY’, purely because it inevitably is.

So what does this all say and how does this tie in with Mr Hofmeyer’s comment regarding murder statistics above?  Well, quite simply that statistics need to be used to narrow down important information in order to take appropriate, cost effective, targeted action that’s all.  No matter how uncomfortable the information may appear at first.  Not to point fingers, but to focus the resources (financial and human) on the areas in which this lawlessness appears to stem or be particularly rife.  I have no doubt that there is something rather odd going on in so far as drivers licenses being issued, testing being undertaken, driving lessons being dished out or all of the above in the area of ‘CY’.  I don’t even know exactly which suburbs make up these licensing districts, but there is no doubt that many elements there are giving the entire lot of drivers with such number plates a very bad rap indeed.  Perhaps it’s now time to investigate the root cause of the problems without worrying about being politically correct!

Size definitely does count

It still intrigues me as to how much is written about the sexual complexities of women.  I think if I have to see another article waxing lyrical on how women are attracted to a combination of personality and sense of humour, slow romantic advances, the need to have at least four different types of organism and a desire for men to merely ‘listen’ to what they have to say as their biggest turn-on; I may have to stick my finger down my throat. 

Melodramatic, perhaps, but then this really is just a load of bollox.   Women’s lib was important in the emancipation of women’s rights and equal opportunities for all, sure.  So now that we’re all equal (in most countries bar Syria, Lebanon, Libya, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Jordan, Iran, Egypt, Gaza, Nigeria, Uganda, Lebanon, .., OK so there’re a few), but on the whole, why don’t we have much written about the complexities of men?  Now I know that this will no doubt spark some cynical sniggers amongst a handful of the ‘fairer’ sex, but we shall not dwell on such puerility.  I’m sure there are many who wouldn’t and are desperately eager to find out more about men and the fact that we may be equally complex.  Or is it that neither men nor women are in fact complicated after all?

The old adage of ‘size doesn’t count’ for example, is an interesting notion.  Size of what and when may need further clarification, but I have it on good authority that it helps.  To give you an analogy, I recently had to take my car in for some minor panel beating, having reversed rather quickly into a large tree in the pouring rain, despite my very expensive park distance control.  I am told that it takes park distance control a few split seconds to turn on, and therefore wasn’t given enough time to activate prior to impact.  Personally I’m all in favour of foreplay, however it has come to my attention that my rather butch 4x4 Land Cruiser may in fact be female (if Cosmo is anything to go by).  Had I known, (despite her rather androgynous appearance), I would have taken it a little slower in twerking her up against the Pine tree.  But that said, I’m not convinced men wouldn’t favour the slower approach themselves on the whole at times too. 

Having now had to drive a very small hire car whilst my ‘lady vehicle’ is in getting botoxed and face-lifted, I have come to realise that size indeed does count.  No longer am I given the respect on the road that my rather large Land Cruiser Prado afforded me before.  I’ve taken this for granted it seems.  But driving a very small Hyundai has made me appreciate the fact that perception is in fact reality.  The fact that mine is bigger than yours, will immediately intimidate others on the road and command some respect.  However I’ll be quick to add that respect is something that should be earned, and reckless behaviour with a large ‘tool’ is not something to be respected at all.  But what is most incredible is that the lack of respect and common decency I have experienced recently on the road appears to have largely come from women drivers.  Which goes to prove, without a shadow of doubt, that size definitely does count when it comes to women.

To take my plight a bit further, the old adage of ‘shoots and leaves’ is perhaps an unfair one when placed firmly at the feet of men.  Yes there may have been practical reasons in our caveman past to have to get the job done rather quickly before a prowling sabre-toothed tiger lurked up behind us and ended the gene pool rather abruptly.  It may have had something to do with why there are relatively few lesbians around these days, but that’s another interesting study in itself. After all, surely it wouldn’t have worked if the cavewoman wasn’t equally, instantly ready for action at the same time as her knobkerrie (club) carrying man.  I doubt we populated this earth through millennia of unsatisfactory intercourse.  Sadly we weren’t that good at doing it in the trees, as neither monkeys nor baboons appear to be either, which would have saved us a lot of trouble and given us a lot more time to leaf through the Cosmo and others like it for advice.  But on the whole, I’m sure men would agree that the idea of a quickie, although on the whole sometimes rather appealing, moreover is not what guys are after either. 

However we do tend to over analyse what is, or at least should be, a rather basic human behaviour, and much of that perhaps has to do with imposed religious ‘morality’, which tended to take the joy out of a lot of things in life.  Whatever happened to mutual, raw, animal behaviour?  Just because we tart up in suits and ball gowns doesn’t make us any less raw and animalistic deep down at heart at all.  In fact it merely forms a coating of schizophrenic confusion, where many find it difficult to know when to be animal and when to be posh and upstanding, what-what.

There is no doubt that we’ve overcomplicated things when it comes down to the sexes, and it is perhaps time for us to drop our loincloths and our guard a little more often, and not be fooled or intimidated by the analysis paralysis that is sure to set in if we believe everything we read.