A Short Guide on Cricket - for Moms!

To read the article as published in Child Magazine - Sept '14 Issue, click here..

The Full, Unedited Article:

As one of the fortunate fathers to have had the privilege of attending most of my two sons’ sport games over the years; I am mostly surrounded by moms on the side-lines, (fortunate in and of itself perhaps), and even the odd youthful au pair I might add.   During this time, I tend to get suckered into spending a great deal of the match as purveyor of the rules of the game (particularly cricket and water-polo).  This may be some elaborately sexist, stereotypically caring way of making me feel less conspicuous amongst the more intuitive sex, in that I’m automatically expected to understand the rules.  Nevertheless I embrace the banter as it inevitably drifts to far more intriguing ‘women’s talk’ a few moments later.  I do feel that at least I contribute something to the social side-lines, no matter how trivial my contribution. 

Despite my generally boosted status and morale, I have felt compelled to offer a short guide on cricket for moms (..and au pairs).  Although it is no easy task by any means, I have selected a few aspects that have popped up more frequently than others as some useful tips to help boost your cricketing prowess. Call it a FAQ & Answers guide if you like.  (Note that I have refrained from including ‘..For Dummies’)!

To start with, it is important that we dispel a few cricketing myths:

·         a box is not something to wrap Xmas presents in, no matter how precious the package;

·         a slip is not a woman's undergarment worn beneath a dress or skirt;

·         an extra cover is not a coat for your son to wear over his jersey;

·         not only those with magnificent figures may field at fine leg;

·         If your son is asked to field at backward point, that doesn’t mean that he is in any way being chastised for making a silly point;

·         and deep mid-wicket is not an innovative name for a follow up sequel to 50 Shades of Grey.  

With some of those out of the way, here are a few tips to help you appear extremely knowledgeable during idle chatter (but strictly only between breaks in play). Just enough to make your friends marvel and cricket knowledgeable dads treat you with a new-found level of side-line respect.  Cricket spectators are a breed unto themselves, particularly the serious ones.  Respect needs to be earned here like no other sport, and that is just the way it is.

·         There are 3 primary forms of cricket; test cricket, limited overs cricket and 20/20 cricket, each being strategically and tactically very different.  This acknowledgement alone will score you incredible points on the side-lines with impressed eyebrow lifting and nodding to boot. 

·         Test cricket is usually played over 4 or 5 days at professional level.  However at school level in order to teach the ‘proper’ game to youngsters with limited attention spans, ‘time or declaration’ cricket is often played to emulate test cricket instead.  This is where there is a strong chance of a draw, when the first side to bat doesn’t have sufficient time left to bowl the other side out, no matter how few runs the latter side may have scored.  Difficult to comprehend, but stay with me here.

·         Limited overs or 50/50 cricket was introduced to offer those with limited attention spans a chance to enjoy the game and put bums on seats back in the 80’s as time and appreciation for the original form of the game started to wane.  Even the ever essential ‘whites’ were replaced by some rather colourful gear in a form of the game that creates much more hype and opportunity for marketing, side-line distraction, TV coverage and most importantly for many spectators - a result (a win or a loss).

·         If the above form wasn’t enough to make true cricketing aficionados roll in their graves, T20 or 20/20 cricket most certainly would have.  As the age of instant gratification became more prevalent amongst sport enthusiasts in the late 90’s, and advertising revenue ruled the roost of professional sport, this form of cricket was introduced to offer shear entertainment.  Here batsmen are enticed to take much greater risks in order to score big runs (4’s and 6’s are encouraged as sex and action are in the movies, for retained attention). 

There is as much off the field entertainment as on, with many spectators not being huge appreciators of fine cricket, side shows became the norm.  Scantily clad dancing girls gyrate after every boundary, in what some might call ‘provocative’ outfits (even in Dubai!), jiving to the beat of a loud cacophony of DJ music mixes, accompanied by pyrotechnics.  The gear is no longer merely colourful, but Gaudi-esque.  To cricket aficionado snobs, this is ‘just not cricket!’  But it’s bums on seats that counts, and this form of the game has made cricket far more accessible and a great day or night out for the entire family. 

·         Now, one of the questions often posed by an irritable mum on the side-lines is ‘why her son isn’t bowling’ or ‘is now batting down the order’.  The reason is most likely simply team strategy and tactics.  A different approach is required for each and every game or form of the game.  It is dependent upon many factors, too many to mention here, but just go with it. 

Your son may be a great opening batsman, but not much good at scoring quick runs required in limited overs.  Much like chess, cricket is a game requiring a great degree of strategic planning and tactical adaptation.  Similarly, on a particular day, your beloved son who is a marvellous little bowler, may not be the most appropriate to bowl at that particular time.  Unfortunately however, as in life, politics and sport are never entirely mutually exclusive.

·         You may feel that your son is a talented all-rounder in your eyes, and that may be delightfully true, but genuine ‘all-rounders’ are rare commodities.  However it is understood that it would ‘be nice’ for your son to do a bit of everything (like Jacques Kallis or AB de Villiers), and in the junior age groups that should be encouraged.  But as he moves up the prep or primary school ladder, it will become evident as to what sort of speciality he is most likely to excel at.  Remember, far fewer than 1% of our darlings will ever play professionally!

·         Some poo-poo cheering on the side-lines, though there are differences in etiquette in the various forms of the game. The stiffest rules pertain to Test Cricket.  However the world is a changing place and shouting encouragement from the side-lines is no longer out of place.  So long as you do so during breaks-in-play.  “Bravo!” is sometimes still a firm favourite amongst some, as is “Jolly good cricket all round chaps!”, but comments like “take his head off”, “moer him!” and the like are generally still frowned upon in all forms of the game. 

·         Finally mom’s, a box is something that your son should choose for himself.  Although he’s bound to choose one that’s way too large for his ‘spud’, it’ll give him some sense of satisfaction even though there may be few pictures of him not readjusting his crotch after every shot.  After all, men are born convinced that size counts, as women are about weight perhaps.  At the end of the day, better a big box than a small box, as the latter is bound to end in tears.

Cricket is a brilliant character builder for those who persevere.  So my advice here is; be brave, be very brave, as your sons have to be in order to enjoy this challenging, complex, yet extremely gratifying game. 

Howzat!?

The Middle East in context for Dummies

I cannot lay claim to this insight, but as it was passed on to me I thought it worth sharing as it puts the conflict in (at least part of) the Middle East nicely into perspective..

This clarifies what's been confusing us about the current situation in the Middle East.

·         We in the US support the Iraqi government in the fight against ISIS.

·         We don't like ISIS, but ISIS is supported by Saudi Arabia, who we do like.

·         We don't like Assad in Syria. We support the fight against him, but ISIS is also fighting against him.

·         We don't like Iran, but Iran supports the Iraqi government in its fight against ISIS.

·         So some of our friends support our enemies, some enemies are now our friends, and some of our enemies are fighting against our other enemies, who we want to lose, but we don't want our enemies who are fighting our enemies to win.

·         If the people we want to defeat are defeated, they could be replaced by people we like even less.

·         And all this was started by our invading a country to drive out terrorists who were not actually there until we went in to drive them out.

It's all quite simple, really.

Analyse the statistics and C – Y (Inevitable Road Rage in 'Slaap Stad')

I recently received an article written by the ‘illustrious’ Steve Hofmeyer (an Afrikaans entertainer,  loved by a small few, who has a habit of putting his foot in his mouth at times).  Naturally this is not something I necessarily have a problem with, unless of course it’s trite, which is very often is.  Nevertheless, this particular article apparently got him into some trouble for being racist, although I'm not entirely sure it wasn't all a rather poorly orchestrated publicity stunt.  However there was an interesting angle in what he appeared to mean by the article in saying that, ‘South African women are more likely to be murdered by their husbands and partners, but [that] this does not hold true for white South African Women’.

It is a well-known fact that more than 85% of murders in South Africa are domestically based, or involve parties who know one another.  Interesting and rather refreshing one might argue, though it may cause some trust issues amongst spouses.  But where I do come to Mr. Hofmeyer’s defence, purely as a strategist you understand, is the fact that very often it is the analysis of statistical data that can paint a very clear and concise picture and yet is often hidden from the public eye in case it upsets some folk.  More importantly however, this analysis could provide the foundations upon which to build a very focused and relevant set of objectives followed by appropriate and practical strategies in order to either improve or neutralise the issue at hand, whatever it may be.

Another favourite example of mine is the road accident statistics, where these rather nebulous figures are fed to us as if we were a cluster of mushrooms living in a dark closet.  Although I wish to make it clear that I have absolutely nothing against men (or women) who live in closets, if they so choose, most of us have more insight from our day to day experience than peering through a tiny key hole for the bits of selective light thrown at us by officials.  In each province in South Africa there are obvious transgressors of the laws of the road.  In Gauteng, the most obvious ones are mini-bus taxi drivers, although most folk appear to have adopted the attitude of ‘well if they can get away with it, then so will I’, as they accelerate long after the robot (stop light) has turned orange or even red, as a form of aggressive arrogance or ignorance perhaps.  However on the whole, the most obvious transgressors appear to be those damn taxi drivers.  So then why is that?  Is it the way taxi drivers are incentivised, or trained, or simply because mini-bus taxis are more obvious to spot and therefore a form of slanted research sample, just as most people who complain about aggressive driving refer to BMW drivers in particular?  Perhaps this is because BMW’s allow for fast acceleration and agility like no other relatively mass produced vehicle, and therefore these drivers get annoyed by slow, aimless traffic hogging the right hand lane?  Then again, are aggressive people drawn to the aggressive looking grill of the BMW perhaps, as opposed to the ‘where the hell are we vacant look of a Hyundai’ or the  'where did you say you put that carrot' look Porsche, or are we all just discriminators of a different sort?  

By blaming taxi drivers, is without doubt pointing at a particular demographic and even sex, but is that really the intent, I doubt it.  After all majority of black, male drivers aren't taxi drivers.  Is it therefore racist to generalise about BMW drivers, even if the aggressive driving generalisation may have some truth in it?  Assuming of course that vehicle makes could be constituted along racial lines, that is.  I'm sure the majority of BMW drivers happen to be white males.

It may be equally true therefore that the slow, aimless vehicles are very often driven by people who can’t afford to have theirs serviced regularly, belching smoke from their exhaust pipes as they splutter along the road, or people who lack any sense of urgency and ambition, or even little old ladies chatting to their bridge partners perhaps?  Again I have nothing against bridge playing little old ladies, but ‘the youthfully challenged’ can be a liability on the road, and this includes little old men.  Hence the reason for countries like Canada insisting upon retesting for licenses from the age of 50 every few years.  I know I may regret this in time. My grandmother, aged 82 and still driving in Johannesburg at the time (rather badly I might add), when challenged by one of her granddaughters made the following comment that still sits uneasily with me to this day, she said puffing her chest out, “In all the 64 years I've been driving, I've never had one accident.”  Then after a short pause, “..I just don’t know how many I've caused”, and then proceeded to giggle wickedly to herself.

Having lived in Johannesburg, Natal, London, Toronto and driven in most countries of Europe, particularly Italy and France on many an occasion, as well Australia and the USA, Cape Townians are undoubtedly the worst drivers in the world.  However it’s not the arrogance and aggression shown by Gauteng and Jo’burg drivers in particular, here it’s what I believe is perfectly summed up by the Afrikaans term ‘vaakheid’.  ‘Vaak’ means to be in another world, daydreaming or just simply switched off, though their cell phones aren’t always.  The number of people who run red traffic lights and pedestrian crossings, who hog the right hand lane or simply change lanes without even a glance into a mirror (assuming the mirror is actually not angled towards the driver’s face of course), non-existent side mirrors, and god forbid the effort to toggle an indicator, are quite simply just ‘vaak’.  As much as I love Cape Town for its sleepiness, being the antithesis of hustle and bustle, the driving aspect has me in a mild form of daily road rage.  It is the reason why switched on Cape Townians don’t generally let their kids ride bicycles to school. 

Most interesting to me however is that there is a rather clear observation which one can make day in and day out.  So much so, that it makes one wonder if there’s a concerted effort to find the causes rather than the merely the symptoms  thereof, and that is the drivers who transgress the laws on the road more than any other appear to be drivers from a particular area and group of suburbs in Northern Cape Town.  I’m talking about drivers with ‘CY’ and ‘CF’ number plates in particular.  Now I know that this is going to lead to some gnashing of teeth and comments of ‘generalisation!’ especially amongst the few good mates I have who happen to have these number plates.  Of course I'm not suggesting that everyone is lawless in this case, but it certainly seems to me to be a very clear cut statistic, purely based upon 16 years of neutral observation, and this despite the number of such number plates in greater Cape Town being far fewer than the dominant ‘CA’ plates.  Even my sons have made a bit of a game of it, when someone does something foolish or unpredictable on the road one of them will shout, ‘what do you know – CY’, purely because it inevitably is.

So what does this all say and how does this tie in with Mr Hofmeyer’s comment regarding murder statistics above?  Well, quite simply that statistics need to be used to narrow down important information in order to take appropriate, cost effective, targeted action that’s all.  No matter how uncomfortable the information may appear at first.  Not to point fingers, but to focus the resources (financial and human) on the areas in which this lawlessness appears to stem or be particularly rife.  I have no doubt that there is something rather odd going on in so far as drivers licenses being issued, testing being undertaken, driving lessons being dished out or all of the above in the area of ‘CY’.  I don’t even know exactly which suburbs make up these licensing districts, but there is no doubt that many elements there are giving the entire lot of drivers with such number plates a very bad rap indeed.  Perhaps it’s now time to investigate the root cause of the problems without worrying about being politically correct!